I don’t know about you, but I have been waiting for spring. It has felt like a very, very long winter.
For me spring is the season of hope, anticipation ~ a feeling like new things are possible and that I can leave behind the things that have been weighing me down. Or, at least, let go of them for a while to watch the buds burst on the trees and the flowers poke their tenacious wee faces out of the ground.
There was one big question on my mind and in my heart this past long winter, and that was the question of belonging. I have spent most of my life trying to work out what it is to belong, where I am meant to belong, who I should belong to, where do I actually fit in? I have turned myself inside out over the decades, trying on different versions of me that I thought might work and which, ultimately, all failed.
But I did learn a lot along the way. All of that learning kind of came to a crux in this last year. I realised that my feeling of not belonging anywhere was because I didn’t really accept myself as I am. I had thought I was broken, weird (well, I am, and that’s OK!) and always the outlier.
Then I realised, at the bottom of a rather deep hole, that if I could just be me, I would at the very least belong THERE! The trick was that I didn’t know who I really was ~ all those years of trying to fit in had morphed my perception of me. Hells bells, I didn’t really even know what my true favourite colour was.
I took a year off making anything. I learned who I really was in quiet places and explored what it might be like to let her be seen. Like, be seen by ME! And actually, in that place where I let myself be me without judging myself or trying to edit myself, I discovered a bit of a feisty queen who loves the colour magenta and who really wanted to play with design rather than making random bits of jewellery. I found a story teller, and I decided to let her speak rather than try and squeeze her into a box.
It took quite a lot of courage to do that, though. Make no mistake, it wasn’t, and isn’t easy, fun or comfortable a lot of the time. I started making again ~ well, designing actually. I allowed myself to dive into the thing that I really do love. Yeah, it was a steep learning curve, but that’s never been the thing that put me off. After quit a lot of trial, a hell of a lot of error, and a really big pinch of tenacity, I make a toki necklace.
The toki was one of the very first designs that drew me in 10 years ago. I could feel the strength when I wore it. It offered me a place where I could be brave on the inside. It was like putting my courage in my hand to remember. Then I put a mangōpare design in it. The hammerhead shark, the fighter, the tenacious, the never-quitter. The one that won’t give up. I needed her ~ she was me. She reminded me that not quitting meant even micro-movement counted. Tenacity could be small and constant.
And the mangōpare toki that I designed for me, is also for you. It’s for the days you need to remember that you already belong. It’s not about finally fitting in, performing perfectly, or became someone easier to tolerate for other people. You belong because you are HERE, wholly yourself. Whether you wear it against your chest, or have it on the wall beside your bed, it is your reminder that tenacity can be quiet, courage can be tiny, and every movement back towards yourself counts… and you belong!
“True belonging doesn’t require us to change who we are; it requires us to BE who we are.”
Brené Brown
Want to check out my mangōpare toki and see which one connects with you? See them here.
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